After “The Back of Beyond” (02002) appeared “Lobotomy Blues”, a second self-published collection of hardpoetry, blues lyrics & shortprose… (02002 – 02005)

Here you can find a selection of entries in that book.

i’m on the zero level
it doesn’t matter
what people think of me
i am the zero one
the zero penetrator
me and my shadows
we walk the buried nights
switching positions
as we pass the street lights
on the zero level
things can only get better
wherever that may be
i’m a flickering neon post
reading “fuck you” -black- “fuck me”
i teach myself a lesson
it is very simple
be the zero one zero
hold no grudges
rephrase and carry on
attain level zero
who needs recognition anyway

November 13th, 2007
Monday morning, Ostend apartment block,
7:15 a.m.
a Betterbrand terrier digs up a bleeding heart from a rusted garbage container
the owner calls the dog and then sees surgical tools shining in the dirt
red bloodstains
the heart looks human
cold shock, panic
7:50 a.m.: police arrive
the place gets sealed
elders gather around – the rumors start
experts search the site for traces
bloodhounds follow the trail of bloodshed
the supposed victim lived in the adjacent building
the apartment is clean, no sign of burglary
bathroom is a mess though, blood on the tiles,
pool of blood on the floor
apparently the heart was cut out in front of the mirror
no traces of violence
no useful evidence
except maybe a hand-drawn roadmap
some place in Siberia and the word “wabi”
scribbled next to it
after extensive neighborhood investigation it seems no one knew the man
no friends no family
introverted, tough guy, never caused any trouble
no body no motive no suspect no leads
in the headlines for about one week
similar cases all over Europe in the
following months
no visible connections
no valid theories
no one got reported
none of them ever resurfaced
the end

i will use you
that’s how it’s going to be
i will use you
to get a break from myself
consume you
like the most powerful drug
from lust into love
you’ll send me high with a smile
you’ll send me
i’ll see more than there is
i will use your projection
your electrifying touch
and in return
you will use me too
we’ll fall silent together
in a drowning silence
with this look on our faces
of intoxicated passion
our insatiable hunger

i will use you

use me

Do I know the blues? Are you kidding me?
I am blues. Big man misery. I am an ugly cough in the early morning, a bad cold during winter, the deadening whir of brain activity, the headache that hits you for no reason. Sooner or later I’ll get the best of you. You can never escape me. I am solitude square breathing down in your neck, cold blooded like a serial killer, devious and merciless, cunning like hell. I am the reason you wished you had never been born. I am bluer than the bruises that start to form on your forehead. Every day you’ll wish that you had never known me. No need to run, you can’t hide from me. I am after you 24/7/365. Don’t you even think about trying – you’ll never get away alive.

i am a night crawler
i crawl the tranquil hours
i hang upside down
i subside like a bat
i crawl all walls
i sense every inch
i spy from all angles
to see where i am at
my stereo is rustling
my eyes pry, disengage,
swerve about and then close
they shine in the glow of a small desktop light
in this space never silent
a soft tune in the background
drums tapping lively
not a voice after midnight
thoughts and feelings wrestle
desires grow larger
try to take me away
try to seduce me
try to lure me into their beautiful womb i look each lie in the eyes
until it is fleeting
i sit still
i taste
i sense every itch
i am here
i am now
until i am leaving
i slowly advance
move on to other words
lose control through self-control
leave myself disturbed
i crawl the air
i let my mind sprawl
i hear each call
i do not return
i crawl my skin
i crawl the hours
i am day and night
i am
a mind sprawler

city streets spit you out like an empty wrap
stepped on and neglected
a heavy rock in the gutter
u s e l e s s
like everything else
the increasing drizzle
a lukewarm sensation
legs hard as a brick pushing down on the bricks
i can smell it
the hidden filth
the chaos underneath
piss stains in the concrete
the stench frozen in
all to be washed away to a clean surface
thoughts drift upriver
clouds float downsouth

clouds regroup in the dark
rain keeps gloomily falling
3:18 a.m.
the cold is sneaking in
past my broken window
through the outlined cracks
past the half-closed curtains
i can smell the wet roof tops
the moist concrete
fine trickles of water paint the cityscape blurry
the wind starts to blow against the one-sided glass
the left-hand curtain moves back and forth
my head is filled with empty premonitions
i am far off from people
their shallow ways
this small country
asphyxiates dreams
4:00 a.m.
the rain keeps on ticking
with rapid taps
hard and soft
the lights are out
but i’m not asleep
can’t find
a place on my pillow
– why am i still yearning
for that special one
to scrub the moss off my soul?
it sure feels good
the way it feels

I’ll have each of their names tattooed in black on my back, together with the start and end dates, and then i’ll have the remaining spots of bare skin filled with dark red and purple, making the whole thing look like a gigantic bad wound. Nobody will be able to read the names, but i’ll forever know what’s underneath, who was involved and how it all went, and that’s the main thing.
I already got a fair amount of my back filled. This is how far this shit can go for some people. This is more than just a statement. The whole concept shows how important this is to me, you know. I see it as an investment. I’m like creating a living masterpiece, my lifelong tribute to life. There’s still plenty of space left below, i asked the tattoo guy to use small-size characters.
— It is as they always say, you have got to suffer for the art.

don’t restrain yourself from hurting me
seek no reasons to spare me
conduct the short pain
don’t wait to injure me
do it straightaway
rub it in my face
sting me
dislodge me
so i know where i stand again
so i can return from between
the padded walls of hope
to the bare walls of reality
mark my face
do it
carry out the termination
brand my stupefied eyes
with renewed determination
put an end to every dream
put me back on the job
outface me
strengthen my glare
do it
allow me
this first and last favor
don’t hesitate
just say it
give me back my illusion of freedom

stormy weather drawing near
a summer eve of destruction
the doors are locked
my lips are sealed
i got my two hands wrapped
round a dry glass of water
i feel it coming back
through the persistent numbness
it is building up from the inside
thickening head veins bobbing
the fierce pulse from my chest
no violence or repentance
just a humming silence
an inward hostility
my heart in my throat
a constant strain on my eyebrows
the viscid heat took hold of my body
the sultry air keeps me in place
another blow hits the roof
the wood squirms
the door shudders
everything exhales
lightning strikes
a flash in slow-motion
a short gust of wind
brushes my hair
starting from my neck up
my face flat on the table
my forehead rocking
as if orchestrating the now rolling thunder
my mind starts to race maximum rate
faster than the speed of sound
time waits for nobody
for no one
this must be the eye of the storm

The finest shots of blues are the ones you shoot yourself. No one can inflict the pain like you do. You built the walls around you but you are unable to destroy them. You are so full of you that you can’t let the me go, simply because you are afraid of being left with nothing. You shouldn’t be. Nothingness is everything you’ve ever wanted, but you just don’t know it yet. My reflection fades away in the slowly shifting hourglass that is lying right beside me. I have to force myself to face it: my face is hard and rugged like the stem of a balding autumn tree. A rocking willow that grows from the darkest muds, hanging over the banks of a vast lake, half-lit by rays of cold moonlight, with leaves . My age rings are narrow, I cannot tell how many, throughout the years I have lost count. My roots go deep, very deep, in search of some essence that I can’t seem to find. As I grow, I gradually become more dreadful and stronger, both at the same time. My weak branches fall off, while the remaining ones form a protecting shield, but I don’t see anything to protect me from. Every move or sound they make is one big yearn. As an effect, trespassers keep at a safe distance as soon as they spot me.
The sky looks menacing, but all is quiet. I can hear every leaf drop. Entire dunes run past my eyes while I try to keep awake. The final hour must still be far off. I am much too much alive. The moon is setting again. It all makes so little sense.
In the end, time will force me to break the hourglass.

high noon
the open window
sunshine falling in
white pieces of dust
falling like snow
her soft voice starts to sing
at the back of my head
repeating the words
she never spoke or thought of
me and her
another illusion
things you get used to
she changes
we change
in minutes time changes
disappears and condenses
into a perfect moment
on this couch peacefully
leaning back with a smile
making up stories
crisp mental pictures
a perfect momentum
looking up at the sky
hands under my head
legs outstretched
in a field of high grass
heating up in the sun
to myself

I am a perpetuum imbecile
Trying to talk to you
I am a perpetuum imbecile
Trying to get through to you
The tape is still recording
Hours of grey static
Wearing down the batteries
No you can’t hear me
No you can’t feel me
I have locked myself up
Deep inside the blues
No this ain’t new
You know I ain’t you
And if you knew anything
About true solitude
You might have discovered
It is not some path you choose

Yeah, I know, these teeth marks on my shoulders, I have noticed.
Theyโ€™re mine.

Dead all the time
Dead and alone
Caved in and hollow
Like some old ruin
I can learn from this room
Six silent sides

Wherever there is hope, there is misery
You cannot handle the truth
The fact that no one will ever be there for you
Is a step too far
Your soul is not up for it
This infuriates you
Empties you
One big squeeze
That’s what it is
Drained and frozen
Led down the drain
Once you were human
Now you are just a corpse

The larger the city,
the deadlier the females

there is nothing like
the perfume of an intoxicating woman
gently passing by on the icy sidewalk
in the turmoil of the city
sun hanging low
her nice figure showing
through a tight winter coat
her boots steadily cruising
on a frosty winter noon

so i destroyed the future
got it over and done with
straightened out the facts
and took the final exit
maybe you’re out there
maybe you’re not
don’t know if i have met you
don’t know if i ever willโ€ฆ
many times i cried over you
for years you had me begging
tears wrinkled my face
gently put a crust
of salt on my shoes
slowly washed away
all of my confusion
there was no other option
i had to destroy you
you were nothing but delusion
the sweetness of desire
y o u
who could have never satisfied
i could not
feel a thing in your embrace
with you around, the dream is on again
without you, it’s back to emptiness
you’re the past and the future
a stack of fading pictures
you gave birth to time
made me put my life on hold
time bred fear
fear bred you
you made it so clear :
blues breeds blues
creep in my room unannounced
come scream in my sleep
whisper sultrily in my ears
give it all you have got
come and show me prove me
play your best act
try me leave me
i no longer react

Tell me all about your misery
maybe i can talk things worse
the odds are very low though
probably i will say nothing
should i agree on things or talk you out of them?
would you like to know what i would do if i were you?
i could tell you the things that i know of
but you know that i am not you
i’d like to cheer you up
with some words of comfort
but the right words never come
they sound so dumb
my answers are bland and cheesy
+ mostly i am too cynical to respond
there is no way that i can help you
i am sorry to say but that’s how it is
i can only listen
and share the pain
– not all that is can be laughed away

if the words don’t work for me
they never leave my lips

self-portrait of a madman
my face in broken mirrors
no recognition
it’s so u n r e a l
these alien reflections all over the floor
filthy and expressionless with black scars on their skin
t h e y a r e n o t a n y t h i n g l i k e m e
i keep watching them watching me far beyond driven
carefully anticipating their very next move
the shards cut my feet and i am losing it
don’t have a clue what it is or was
the light bulb starts flashing
i’m a crack in the wall
n o t h i n g holds me together

life is death
attachment is burden
as long as it lasts
i burn memories
drop your words
our lies
all thoughts
my dreams
donโ€™t attach to me
don’t linger
don’t bother
don’t give
i could never return it to you
holding onto the past
is the saddest of endings
you and me
weโ€™re no one
distant satellites
slowly swinging out of orbit
weโ€™re nobodies
no ones
never together
never alone
till hearts
run empty

See also: Unsung Blues Lyrics